Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
