I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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