Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
