Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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