I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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