I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
