Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
