I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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