I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
