hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
