My first STD was from a foam party
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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