i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
is that a dick in a sweater?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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