new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
