He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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