We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
