checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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