Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
How external is "for external use only"?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
