so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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