i already hear my dad disowning me
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
