We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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