i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
