great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
