I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
