Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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