My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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