please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
