If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
