dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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