Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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