So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
as a side note pls kill me
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