I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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