I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Just puked most of my soul out..
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
