The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
