I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
