I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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