Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
