To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I cut my penus on the lid.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
