i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
