Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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