HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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