He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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