Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
