We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
