im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
