I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
