The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
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