im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
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