I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
