Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
