dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
